Personal lamenting under the cut.
Oh yeah, that’s supposed to be a bad thing.
Seeing a perfectly beautiful, healthy girl who’s proud of herself for gaining muscle the last few months isn’t supposed to be triggering.
Knowing my girlfriend is going to the gym later isn’t supposed to be triggering.
WATCHING THE OLYMPICS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE TRIGGERING.
But it all fucking is, and all I want to do is go outside and run in the morning sun and cool air, go to the gym and lift until failure, I want to feel sore because I worked out hard, I want to look in the mirror and see progress and results, but I can’t, I fucking can’t because it’s coming from a disordered place of comparison and body shaming and equating this physical body to my spiritual self worth.
How am I supposed to feel good about myself when I can’t exercise? Is there a magic key to unlock the separation between pushing to improve my fitness and pushing to improve myself?
In the meantime, I’ve developed somewhat severe neuropathies of dermotillomania and trichotillomania and small muscles throughout my body are beginning to twitch more than they used to.
Things to mention to my psychiatrist.
close your eyes right now and admit gratitude to whatever higher power you believe in, because until you’re forbidden from running until further notice, you never quite appreciate how lucky you are.
Getting my body strong (i.e. gaining weight) is a maddening process.
After meeting 100% of my exchanges for breakfast this morning, I walked a mile to CVS where they told me (rudely) that they hadn’t gotten any prescription called in for me. I thought maybe the CVS on Connecticut would know a little more, so I walked the mile back there, and even though they did know about the script, what I didn’t know was that CVS doesn’t take my insurance. BOO! But, go figure, the Safeway across the street does, so I went there and got my scripts transfered and filled by a wonderful pharmacist named Damon. So after walking back plus some minor exploring I can guestimate that I walked around 2.5 miles which is definitely a no-no. At least I came home and had my snack, even if it is a little late. And Aubrey’s coming soon and we’re going to go out to lunch in Georgetown and she’s going to teach me how to crochet! See gif below for the excited.
All 16-25 year old girls who are choosing to lose weight the HEALTHY way, reblog this because I’d love to follow every one of you.
Keep It Healthy
I resent this. If I could lose weight the healthy way, you bet your skinny little asses I’d be losing weight the “healthy” way. But you know what? I can’t. Because there’s something wrong with my brain. I didn’t get to choose. So who do you think you are to judge me for losing weight the UNHEALTHY way?
So uh, yeah. Double fuck you.
That is the one thing I won’t let ed take away from me.
Ran two miles before going to the gym, completing an ab workout and 25 minutes of high-impact cardio, sprinting two laps around the track, two sets of pull-ups and running a convoluted mile home, and I am angry at myself for not doing a full hour of cardio and a more intensive strength regiment to make up for the food I’ve eaten today.
It’s not supposed to be like this.
Outdoor run=so much better! (Taken with instagram)
Exercise is fun! Gyms are not. (Taken with instagram)